Blogger-nails, pointy-nails, falsies, acrylics – whatever you want to call them, nails have been one of the hottest beauty trends of 2016. We’ve had coffin tops, nail art, political nails (see #Repeal the 8th) and pom-pom nails, with Tropical Popical and Wah Nails leading the charge.
But to truly “nail” that #details shot of your chunky gold watch and midi rings, it has be the acrylic nail. For here, on Instagram, the acrylic serves as a key prop, making your average hand look beautiful (have you tried hand modelling before?) and colour-popping that clutch bag. But, like all good things, with one hand you shall receive, and the other will take.
“For every #nailgasm there’s a #nailfail…”
All the things you can’t do with acrylic nails:
With acrylic nails, the most basic task become hazardous and potentially life-threatening. The chances of you stabbing yourself, stabbing others or breaking off an entire nail (both real and fake combined) increase by a million per cent. Here’s a few examples of the simplest things that are impacted by acrylic nails;
1. The washing up
Initially, this sounds like a dream: “ooh I couldn’t possibly do the washing up, it will damage my nails”. And then nobody does the washing up. And then you’re faced with a growing pile of crusty squalor. And then you take it on in sheer frustration and rage. And then you break a nail when it gets caught in the rice-drainer.
2. A can of Diet Coke
“Sorry, is there any chance you could open this for me?” you say in a pitiful, breathless voice. You try to invoke sympathy with an eyebrow raise that says: my nails! I could stab myself and die! Most people oblige. But then one day you have to ask a stranger and they stare at you in disgust and awe. And then you stop drinking from cans for the duration of your acrylics. Because the sheer, brute force required to peel that ring could result in a Very. Nasty. Nail. Break.
Typing with acrylic nails sounds like ten thousand mini machine guns inside a tornado. Not only do they drive everyone in the office absolutely c-r-a-z-y, they are a dead-giveaway on your typing abilities. And have you ever got your nail stuck in the keyboard? Dicey.
You’re going to have to up your tight-budget when you start wearing acrylic nails. Even if you get them on successfully, any potential sagging over the course of the day is going to result in laddering. Laddering leads to full-on ripping leads to gaping holes leads to cold air leads to pneumonia leads to instant death.
5. Chopping vegetables
Try chopping an onion finely with acrylics. Go on, I dare you. The reality is you’re going to slice your nail off.
6. Applying Vaseline
The normal scooping action here just doesn’t work. All the gunk just gets stuck under your nails. It requires a skillful gymnastic flick of the top of your nail and then you apply it backwards onto your lips. Best done in private. Aside from the awkwardness, chances of getting your nail stuck in the tin as you try to open it are high.
7. Remove eye make-up…
Impossible to do without stabbing yourself in the eye at least a couple of times.
So, in summation, all beauty is pain. And in the quest to take beautiful photos of your hands with elongated fingers, layered in rings and bracelet chains and colour-coordinated nails, you have to make some sacrifices.
My suggestion is to get them for peak party-seasons or important events – Christmas, birthdays, weddings etc – and then take a breather in between. So you can claim back all those little things. And stay safe.